Losing the Light

A mother is a closest friend we have in our lives. She’s always by our side no matter what. She does everything she can when we need her help. She’s doing all we want (not spoiling us) and all we need because she know that she is a mother, and a mother must not leave her child/children crying.”A mother is she who can take place of all others but whose place no one else can take,” said by Anna, Siobhan, & Jack. In short, a mother is irreplaceable.

My mom used to fry eggs for me because I always wanted eggs to be my meal. I really don’t want to go to sleep every afternoon, but when I do, my mom always makes a graham cake for me as a reward for resting. My mom was my closest buddy in my life. She’s a very loving and sometimes clingy mother, and I’m so proud that she’s my mom. My mom was so strict when regards in schooling. She wanted me to be an outstanding and honor student in our class. There were times that I can’t really take her way of teaching my lessons because she’s really a strict teacher. A mother was indeed a great teacher also.

Moreover, I was a naughty son of my mom. I used to be scolded often because of what I’ve always done. She sometimes didn’t know where I taught that doings, like snatching money and saying vulgar words. I was a bad kid that time and I really don’t know why. Maybe because of the environment and people we had.

But then one day, it was August 2010 as far as I remembered. A typhoon hit nearly in San Pedro, Laguna, causing a tremendous crisis in water and electricity. In that time, I heard that my mom started to feel something wrong. She was sick and all I knew was she felt hurt and something. I cried secretly that time, no one knew, I felt pathetic for my mom’s status. It was a bad time for us, no light every night, grief was prevalent for the people living in the same place we had. Living like there’s no hope for tomorrow.

Months had passed, her illness was retrograding. There were problems in her kidney, in her lungs, it’s not really consistent. I heard that time that the doctors were not consistent in knowing what the real problem of my mom had. Her body was turning skinny, I can see on her lips that she’s getting miserable time by time, but I’m still proud of her because she’s still smiling and happy. Although it was Christmas and New Year 2011, I just saw her sitting on the bedroom of aunt Malou. I tried to make her happy and joyful but she didn’t.

I remembered the times that we, my mom, sister, and dad, were always praying rosary in the same time. We were praying for my mom’s health, for her to become alright and well soon. We were nonstop believing and hoping, and we didn’t give up no matter what. Despite the fact that she’s suffering from what illness she had, she still managed to buy me a gift for my birthday. As far as I remembered, it was late afternoon when I went to our bedroom and I saw my mom sitting on the bed. She had a new set of clothes for me, and I was so happy that time because another new stuff I’ll going to use. It was my last birthday that I experience being with her.

Weeks after my birthday, it was in the mid of January 21st’s week, I saw my mom being well since the past days we had. She’s livelier and happier than those days, telling me that she’ll be okay after few weeks of checking up. My mom told me once that when she died, her spirit shall approach me while I’m working on my assignment and say “Si Kyle gumagawa na ng assignment ng kanya.” It wasn’t a nice joke for me because I was so afraid of ghosts. But when she said that she’ll be okay in the next few weeks, we’re so happy.

One day, my mom and my cousin Ate Diane, who took care of my mom when she really needs assistance, went to some place that I don’t know. They told that they’ll be gone in 1 week, so only me and my sister’s companion was our maid, Ate Tin. It was 3rd week of the month of February. February 18, 2011, our uncle and some of our relatives took us and I really don’t know where we going. But then our auntie said to us that we will be visiting my mom in the hospital, and I was ignorant, not knowing what’s really happening.

We came in the Philippine Lung Center in Quezon City, and however we had a circumstance in entering the hospital because I’m still young and was prohibited to come in. My cousin Ate Diane thought of a strategy that I can successfully enter the hospital. She bluffed that we were just going to comfort room, but totally not and our destination was to my mom’s room. After that so many obstacles we’ve experienced, we successfully came in, and there was the room of my mom. It was a bit of scary because the ambience of the hospital was so silent and sorrow. The nurses wearing white like an angels from the sky, and it’s totally quiet.

As I’d entered the room, I saw my mom lying on the bed, having a pipe on her mouth, and all I thought in that time was “Why I see my mom like that? Why the others looked sad?” I cried so had when I firstly saw her. I thought my mom was going to be okay but all were just hopes. I can saw her suffering so hard. My dad wasn’t there because he’s in the abroad, and my relatives told me that dad will come sooner to see my mom. My cousins, my aunties and uncles, my grandparents from my mother’s side were there.

It’s so painful to watch when she’s doing some hallucinated and wild actions (I can’t explain). She cannot eat normally anymore, she’s suffering. All I knew was she’s suffering and feeling in pain. My mom’s siblings and other of my relatives were saying that she must rest in order for her to stop the pain, but my grandmother said that she didn’t want because my dad’s still not coming. After hours, it was midnight I thought, my dad came in. He’s exhausted from the transportation he had. I saw my dad crying a lot, my mom was I don’t think but emotionless. We’re all like hopeless in that scenario.

February 18, 2011, Saturday morning, I was asleep when my uncle Celo woke me up and said that my mom needed me. I stood up and went beside my mom, holding her hand. We were all crying, both telling to my mom that it would be well for her to rest. Also, my mom was writing messages she wanted to tell for us too. Her penmanship was still readable and I was amazed because she can still write before her last goodbye. My cousins from my father’s side were calling the last relatives that were not in the hospital, including the parents of my father.

It was I remembered 8 in the morning, she held her last breath. All I saw was my mom stopped moving though her eyes were still open. The nurse said that a person can hear voices in 10 minutes after her death. My grandmother spoke to my mom after her death, she’s advising her to always guide us, her children, even though she’s not alive. In that time, I also suffered in allergy, and my grandmother said that she must take my ill with her in order for me to be cured. Few hours had passed, the other relatives from my father’s side came up. They were all crying, especially Lola Hason when she knew that my mom already died earlier.

After that event, I felt really lonely. I missed her hugs every night when I can’t sleep well. I missed her graham cake as a reward of mine. I missed her morning greetings, her questions about school; I missed her way of teaching. I missed her voice, her existence, her love. I missed her so much. When I always saw a person happily bonding with her mom, I was really jealous even up to this day. I can’t do anything for that, my mom was gone. I missed the chance when she’s still alive, I didn’t even say “I love you” for her. That day when my mom gone was the worst day I’d ever experience in my life, and I didn’t know that time why God did this to us.

This month, my mom’s death anniversary will be turning 6th. Even though it happened 6 years ago, I still can’t forget the pain I felt when she gone. But then, I also can’t forget the values that my mom taught us, my sister. I think it was for us to be independent in our lives, to learn how to stand on our own feet. I think if she’s still alive now, we will be still dependent on her, or rather I will still be dependent. But although I think it’s the purpose, I still believe that when she’s alive, I could be more productive and joyful.

My life was now incomplete. I cannot feel the love of a mother anymore, but I am so thankful because there’s still my sister joining me in my journey. Despite that I regret all of I’ve done in the past, I believe it molded myself into finest. My failures turned me into a great and strong human being, still.

We must not take time for granted, take our parents for granted. Losing loved ones is normal in everyone’s life, and all we do must prepare. Do all the things you want to do while your loved ones are still there besides you, because you might regret yourself when the time comes out. God has always a purpose in every happening we experience in our lives, we may not realize today, but tomorrow or in the next day we will. Just always trust him, and he’ll do the rest for your best.

#Mother #Son #Lose #Alone